For many years, I yearned for deeper, more meaningful, and fulfilling relationships with people. As much as I wanted this, my interactions with others were often superficial, forced, and lacked the vulnerability that I knew was possible. Of course, some personalities were easier to connect with, but even within those relationships, there were barriers that I didn’t know how to get around. I simply lacked the tools for initiating and sustaining vulnerable and authentic conversations. Fortunately, I have since discovered a radically new way of relating and connecting with people.
What is Circling?
Circling is a relational practice that fosters deeper, more meaningful connections with ourselves and others. Put simply, Circling is a radically different way of having a conversation. Unlike our typical ways of communicating, which drag our attention outside the immediate connection, Circling brings us to the knife’s edge of the present moment. It is concerned with what it is like to be here together right now, with an emphasis on what is most alive. Circling can also be understood as an interpersonal mindfulness practice that calls us to be simultaneously present with our experience and the experience of others.
Initially created by Guy Sengstock – an artist, philosopher, and visionary from the Bay Area – the Circling modality has since been picked up and tweaked by various organizations. Some of the top organizations teaching Circling (or adjacent forms of authentic relating practices) today include Sengstock’s Circling Institute, Relateful (formerly Circle Anywhere), Transformational Connection (formerly Circling Europe), and Authentic Revolution.
Watch “What it’s like to be you, right now?” (Circling Documentary). Follow with Pt.2, Pt.3, and Pt.4 of the documentary.
Circling as a Synthesis of Developmental Practices
Another way to understand Circling is as a synthesis of meditation, psychotherapy, and coaching.
Circling is similar to meditation in the way that it trains the skills of attention, awareness, and acceptance. However, unlike traditional meditation, which is a solo practice, Circling helps us train these skills while remaining in contact with others.
Circling is greatly informed and inspired by psychotherapy. It encourages us to open to and stay with feelings, to find and share our authentic self-expression, to embody vulnerability, and to work with unconscious and shadow material in our psyches. Circling also removes some of the boundaries and formalities that exist in most psychotherapeutic approaches. This frees us from defined structures and roles while creating space for spontaneity, exploration, and potentially more expansive ways of healing. This doesn’t mean that Circling is a replacement for therapy. Those dealing with deep trauma may need the boundaries and structures that are part of traditional psychotherapeutic methods; nonetheless, many find Circling to be highly therapeutic.
Circling is similar to coaching in how it calls us to reflect on habitual patterns, move through barriers, and open up to new possibilities. However, unlike most coaching approaches, which avoid speaking about the past and orient one’s focus toward the future, Circling holds space both for the past and the future within the context of the present. Circling doesn’t try to guide us in a particular direction; instead, the practice invites us to surrender to whatever is most alive in the moment.
Circling honors the wisdom of each of the practices it borrows from while acknowledging that it provides something unique.
The Principles of Circling
Circling can be fun, exciting, and liberating, but it can also be challenging. To stay within the practice, we must follow a set of principles that are often in opposition to our deeply ingrained habitual patterns. The principles of Circling may vary depending on which organization is teaching the practice. Nonetheless, they point to similar guidelines that are essential for embodying the practice
The following are five principles of Circling that I learned through Circling Europe (now known as Transformational Connection):
1. Commitment to Connection – This principle calls us to increase our tolerance for staying with whatever is arising between ourselves and others. This means staying in connection despite the resistance or impulse we may feel to break it. We can still separate from others by communicating an authentic desire, the key is not to pull away in a habitual way that merely seeks to avoid difficult terrain. This is where deep listening, radical honesty, and embodied presence come alive
2. Owning Your Experience – This principle invites us to take responsibility for the truth of our experience in each moment. Unlike assumptions, assertions, and projections, which can be debated, the truth of our personal experience can’t be argued. This doesn’t mean that we hold our truth as the ultimate truth. In owning our experience, it is vital to acknowledge and express that what is being felt is one’s personal interpretation and not the objective reality of the situation.
3. Trusting Experience – This principle asks us to trust the embodied experience of ourselves and others as well as the natural flow of attention. This includes staying open to experience even when it doesn’t make rational sense and letting go of fixed views of right and wrong. In doing so, all parts of experience can be accepted and explored.
4. Staying at the level of sensation – This principle calls us to maintain somatic awareness even as we are thinking and speaking. This is vital because our feelings and emotions guide our rationalizations and meaning-making. By staying connected to what we are feeling in each moment, we can access a level of truth that often gets missed in our daily fast-paced and disembodied interactions.
5. Being with the other in their world – This principle invites us to maintain a radical curiosity in another’s experience. This requires checking our assumptions and asking questions that bring us closer to understanding what it is like to be the other person.
Check out my interview with John Thompson one of the founders of Transformational Connection and a leader in the Circling space.
Foundational Practices of Circling
Circling is built on a set of sub-skills or foundational practices which are crucial for developing one’s overall Circling capacity. Each of these practices are usually done in pairs and for an agreed-upon duration, which is typically five to ten minutes. These practices include:
1. Meditation in Connection (Eye Gazing) – In this practice, we come into presence which is the sense of what is happening both inside and outside our experience in each present moment. We can start with our eyes closed and notice any body sensations, thoughts, or feelings that arise. When we are ready we can open our eyes and make eye contact with our partner. Pay attention to any shifts you may experience as you come into connection. Remain in silence together and try to maintain eye contact even if you feel discomfort. Continue to notice what it is like to be with the other for the duration of the practice.
2. Noticing – In this drill we practice naming whatever we notice in ourselves or the other. We can use the sentence stems “I notice” or “I’m noticing” followed by our observation. It is important that what we name is not an interpretation. Saying to our partner “I notice you are happy” is an interpretation while saying “I notice you are smiling” is an observation. Stick to observations. There is no need to take turns; we can simply allow the natural flow of aliveness to unfold. If there is nothing that wants to be shared remain in silence. Notice any impulse you may have to explain your shares.
3. Checking Assumptions – In this practice, we begin to make guesses of what the other person’s experience is like. We do this by using the sentence stems “You seem”, ”I imagine” or “I have a story” followed by our best guess of the other’s experience. In framing our words in this way we acknowledge that our experience is merely an interpretation and not the objective truth. We can follow up with “Is this true?” to check our assumption. Give space for the other person to respond and provide any feedback or clarification. After this sequence drop back into silence, waiting for another share to arise from you or your partner.
4. Revealing desires – In this drill, we practice sharing what we are wanting in connection. We do this by using the sentence stem “I’m wanting” followed by our desire. In doing this we are not expecting the other to fulfill our desire but simply naming that this desire is alive for us.
Types of Circling
There are various forms of Circling that have emerged from the different organizations and groups working with this modality.
Some of the types of Circling that I have come across include:
- Flow Circling – Circling with any number of people with one or more designated facilitators
- Purpose circling – Circling with a specific intention, such as processing emotions or resolving an underlying issue
- Dyads – two people Circling with each other
- Birthday or Focus Circling – a circle where attention is placed on a particular person in order to understand what it is like to be in their world
My Experience Circling
My first time experiencing Circling was during an Emotional Processing and Circling retreat at Monastic Academy. In my first circle, I received some critical feedback from one of the participants. While this was uncomfortable to hear, it felt exactly like the kind of direct feedback back I was missing in many of my relationships.
As I kept Circling, I started noticing certain patterns. Several people mentioned that I was playing some kind of character and that I was being inauthentic. At first, this was off-putting, considering that authenticity was one of my highest values. Here I was trying to express my highest truth in every interaction, and still, there were some people who experienced me as being fake. These interactions shook up my sense of identity and made me realize that our self-image can be radically different than how others experience us.
This experience further pointed to the realization that there is no single, authentic self. Instead, we are an amalgam of different parts, each one uniquely activated by the interactions and environments we move through. We carry within us every value and its opposite. These values are fluid, relative to context and perspective. That’s why one person can see you as authentic while another sees you as inauthentic, with both perceptions holding a relative truth.
It reminded me that our highest values often contain hidden shadow sides. When left unacknowledged, these shadows tend to express themselves in ways we can’t perceive. It’s likely that my attachment to authenticity was polarizing into inauthenticity. Recognizing this helped me soften my grip on a rigid self-image and made room for others to see me however they do, even if it’s as inauthentic.
Another pattern that several people brought to my attention was my reactions to feedback. When certain comments were made towards me, and I was asked how I felt about them, I often would say that it didn’t bother me. Yet others saw subtle negative reactions in me. This made me realize how disconnected I was from my emotions and that I can become more in tune with them by relating with others, particularly those who have cultivated a level of emotional intelligence I have yet to cultivate.
Finally, these early experiences Circling made me realize how quick I am to respond, or rather react. What initially arises in our conscious mind is only the tip of the iceberg. There is a richness of valuable information below the surface, which, if given the time, can arise and better inform our response. Being a thinking rather than feeling type means I’m naturally highly cerebral. This way of being is further reinforced by our culture, which in many ways prizes rationality above all else. However, this propensity to live in our heads makes us ignorant of what goes on in our bodies. It makes us forget that our feelings often drive our thoughts, and it is only by getting in touch with them that we can truly understand our deepest motivations.
After returning from the retreat at Monastic Academy, I signed up to Circle Anywhere (now known as Relateful) an online Circling platform. For the next two years, I circled every week and even enrolled in a 6-month Circling Facilitator Training through Circling Europe (now known as Transformational Connection). To this day this is my favorite training/course that I’ve gone through.
Since then, I’ve held several in-person Circling events and many more online. I consider Circling to be a foundational practice, one that has helped expand my emotional intelligence and to see that embodied communication is often more truthful than words.
The Transformative Potential of Circling
Circling holds immense potential for personal and collective transformation. Through this practice, we develop a deeper connection to our emotions and are more readily open to whatever arises in the present moment. We learn to see our blind spots and habitual ways of relating while improving our interpersonal intelligence. We become capable of seeing and integrating a wider range of perspectives. And ultimately learn how to be more loving and truthful with ourselves and others.
Both assertive and yielding types will find that circling pulls them out of their comfort zones. Those who are naturally more direct are challenged to let go of control. While those who are naturally more passive are called to jump into the driver’s seat and grab hold of the wheel. In this way, Circling opens us up to a more wholesome way of being in which we are both giving and receiving, leading and being led, challenging and being challenged.
An Integral Practice for an Increasingly Complex World
Beyond its ability to deepen our connection to ourselves and others, Circling is a full spectrum developmental practice that is integral for navigating an increasingly complex world. Due to their solo nature, most meditation practices can be taken to completion. On the contrary, Circling’s relational context immerses us in a rich tapestry of complexity and paves an endless path for growth. Even the most seasoned Circlers will find that the practice is inexhaustible, continuously leading them beyond their edge into beginner’s mind. The ways in which Circling can be applied are countless, but here are some of my favorite:
- Conflict resolution – Circling trains us to remain calm in turbulent situations and helps cultivate deep empathy skills necessary for navigating conflicts.
- Emotional processing – a supportive circle can help us feel and process a wide range of emotions.
- Shadow work – Circling provides raw interactions that can trigger and illuminate unconscious parts of ourselves. This is critical for opening up our energy and discovering greater wholeness in our lives.
- Collective sensemaking – Circling allows us to integrate our individual experiences within the context of the whole, tapping into a collective intelligence that can reveal deeper levels of truth.
- Awakening through relationship – Circling can shake up our ideas of “who we think we are”, free us from rigid identity structures, and support us on the path of spiritual liberation.
Curious to learn more? Check out some of my other podcasts on Relational practice.